October 20,2012 and October 24, 2017

Why these dates are important?

If you read my post before this one I talked about the memory (event) that took place in October that impacted my life. Im going to share the importance of these two dates and how they affected me.

October 20, 2012 five years ago is the day that my mom was found murdered neck slash laying on the floor with her 5th child dead. No one know who or Why she was murdered but God Knows. My brother who I was looking forward to holding, to teach how to be a loving little boy, how to ride a bike, and many other things I will never get to do those things with.

My mom Vindalee Smith was never perfect she move her four kids to America for a better life but the downside to that was a shocking turn that lead our family to start living on cold floors, eating crackers and drinking water for dinner, to her not having a stable job that will cover the rent and that leads to us moving around. No one wouldn’t know about all these things unless we told them. A praying women who cry so many nights trying to make life better for her and her children. She never shows up to one of our sporting event because she was trying to make sure that we have food to eat and somewhere to lay our head.

She wasn’t perfect in any way. She believe in what the Bible said despite of her flaws and inadequacy as a parent she never stop praying. I wonder to myself what would life would be like today if she was alive? Would her life change and in what way? How would she survive or how would our little brother life be like? I don’t know but I know I would have had tons of fun with my brother and watching my mom with the biggest excitement on her face when she says I do on her wedding day. There was never a dull moment with her even when she was struggling to buy food or pay rent and trying her best to be an example and a mom to all of us.

October 24, 2017

This is my due date the day that that doctor calculated for me to go into labor which sometimes isn’t accurate but it is just a guesstimate. This day would have been the day that I would hold my child or maybe the next day but things changes quickly. One of the fears that I used to have was that the same thing that happen to my mother would happen to me.

Even though I have a reason to feel the way that I feel knew that I didn’t want that to be my reality. I didn’t want that to happen because I know I have more to do on this earth, a husband to grow with, and a daughter to teach many things. I couldn’t let that fear hold me back from enjoying and embracing the plans that God have for my life.

I am carrying double the amount of what was taken from my mom, she was pregnant with a boy and I was pregnant with two boys. There is a 50% chance that I might delivered on my due date and in October because twins don’t always make an entrance on that day they tend to come early than expected.

These two dates as well as many other are important one life was taken five years ago and a new life is born. If it would have continue to let that fear drowned me I wouldn’t been able to share this story because It would have crippled me. God love is perfect I am no longer fearful. The memory of my mom may never go away but one day I get to tell my children about their grandmother.

I wanted to enjoy life with my mother I wanted her to see me and my siblings get married, have kids, share stories, and may be cry or argue together it was something that I was looking forard to but I will not be able to. I was looking forward to have long conversation on the phone talking about anything but I will not be able to. I cherish every memory whether good or bad because they taught me many things.

I have tons of questions but I am forever thankful. Thankful that we can learn something from this murder. We are not in control and we only have one life to live if we aren’t living out our God given purpose then we have to ask ourself why are we here? It is not enough to just wake up and go through our day life we used to but what we are we here for.

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