October: the memory in this month may never go away

 

The month where one memory plague my mind, the day my mom was murdered. Im not sure why this one day in October will stick with me for a while but it will. I question every moment on this day it is October 20, 2012 some days I don’t remember the date or the year.

It may not be the 20th of October as yet but it’s a few days away. It seems like October is one of those months where everything change my mood, my mind, everything around me I tend to get a bit aggravated and it is not normal to have the same cycle, a cycle that needs to be broken. Everytime I think of my mom I always go back to some happy place and sad places.

The day I found out that my mom was murdered I was at the mall I was supposed to go see her that morning but she didn’t answer. I spoke to her a few days before having a mother daughter talk. How much fun and excitement we are going to have, how I get to meet my little brother, and support her on her wedding day.

I was at the mall in subway getting a sandwich with my boyfriend ( my husband) as I am in the process of ordering I receive a phone call, a call that no one wants to hear. “Your mom is dead” I thought it was a joke but it wasn’t…. I felt dizzy about to pass out so I sat down trying to make sense of what she said.

I spoke to my mom a few days ago and now she is no longer here. Why? How? Who? And What? Are how my questions started off with. Why would anyone take an innocent life how did this even happen who would want to kill my mother and for what. What was she murdered for. You see all these things happening on the news every day but never expect it to happen so close to home.

It brings deep pain and fear that when I was pregnant with my i was extremely afraid and prayerful because I see the same thing happening to me. Even though I wasn’t there i know God protect us, guide us, and He is the giver of life but I still have questions for that day. Who was did she let into her apartment? Why didn’t they save the baby life? What did she do to that individual that makes them hate her that much? Or even what would have happen if I were staying with her?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions but the one thing I know for sure is that the good Lord giveth and He takes not saying that He let them die or Why didn’t he prevent it from happening the truth is Im not God I don’t know why some life is taken and others isn’t. I don’t have any answer for that. All I know is whatever happen that day affected all of us in some form or another but it is up to us to decide what we will do to not only cope with such lost but how do we better ourselves.

My mom is my best friend she didn’t let me do whatever I want to do or say whatever i want to say despite our close knit relationship she was still my mother. I can always have a long conversation about my fears, school, or even personal issue she will let me know if I am wrong or bring scriptures into the conversation to let me know that God is still God. I cannot speak for my siblings or anyone else but I always have a great time talking to her even though it been five years that my 43 year old mother is no longer alive i can still remember the Good, bad, and ugly.

Fear has no place in my life it will neither cripple me or force my mind into a place of doubt I serve a mighty God who isn’t the author of confusion. He is in control I may not understand why things happen the way that it does but I am dusting my feet off and keep on moving. It may not be easy but it will be worth in the end. I will endure…

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